Oriental water torture
So, there's this bidet in the bathroom of my workplace. I'd felt like I'd been pressured into using it, in that the boss man has asked me about every third week if I'd checked it out yet: "Mark, you tried the irrigation yet? I recommend it a couple times a week. You'll never be constipated again." Since Wednesdays are really the only time when I have a significant break, today was the day, not that I have too much of a problem with backups (or a terribly keen interest in rimming, for that matter). Thing is, all the directions are in Korean, and of course I don't know that much Korean yet. But, I know "anus" and "injection" and "water", so I was cocky enough to assume that I could figure it out on the spot rather than asking for a specific how-to.
Turns out, I pushed the button for the most forceful option, rather than just a delicate douche of the anus. Also, the button for stopping the operation is a bit counter-intuitive. I didn't want to get up mid spray, since it would have sent a generous spray all over the back of my suit. About three minutes in and after numerous attempts at various combinations of buttons, a coworker walked into the bathroom and heard my shrieks: "Daddy? [I get referred to in the third person at work] You ok?" "Uhh [shrilly], how do you stop this?" "Button in the middle?" "Awesome... ... can you hurry up and leave so that I don't shit out a half gallon water in your presence? Awesome." "Sure thing," he replied, in the most dulcet tones possible from an Australian accent. Though I'm mildly curious, apparently it takes more than 75 PSI to stimulate my A-spot.
I know I'm prone to having Mr. Kurtz-like tendencies, and apparently I've been here long enough to start inflicting Oriental anal water torture on myself. The next class I taught, my voice was still about a half octave higher than usual. But, has daddy ever had this much confidence in the cleanliness of his bum? Negative.
Turns out, I pushed the button for the most forceful option, rather than just a delicate douche of the anus. Also, the button for stopping the operation is a bit counter-intuitive. I didn't want to get up mid spray, since it would have sent a generous spray all over the back of my suit. About three minutes in and after numerous attempts at various combinations of buttons, a coworker walked into the bathroom and heard my shrieks: "Daddy? [I get referred to in the third person at work] You ok?" "Uhh [shrilly], how do you stop this?" "Button in the middle?" "Awesome... ... can you hurry up and leave so that I don't shit out a half gallon water in your presence? Awesome." "Sure thing," he replied, in the most dulcet tones possible from an Australian accent. Though I'm mildly curious, apparently it takes more than 75 PSI to stimulate my A-spot.
I know I'm prone to having Mr. Kurtz-like tendencies, and apparently I've been here long enough to start inflicting Oriental anal water torture on myself. The next class I taught, my voice was still about a half octave higher than usual. But, has daddy ever had this much confidence in the cleanliness of his bum? Negative.
posted by Mark Hernandef at 3:06 AM
11 Comments:
Hee, funny story. I actually didn't know that was the purpose of those. I thought it was just for extra cleanliness.
Totally shot milk out of my nose. And, I wasn't even drinking milk. My first spontaneous nasal lactation!
Ok...so why daddy?
(and hilarious story, btw)
Nah. It also removes extra particles. "Health begins at the colon," yo. "Daddy" because, well, I'm not sure. I was "The Doctor" as an undergrad because I dressed a wee bit professorial. Perhaps 'cause I'm becoming more of a daddy bear with each passing day?
I thought you were "The Doctor" because you drank Mag Dog 2020, hence the M.D. Is that apocryphal?
Oh shit. I've forgotten about that. That's a much better story anyway... The MD does little for one's memory.
Mad Dog 2020 sounds like a dystopia movie with someone like Kurt Russell as the lead.
Hmm. Dystopic, yes. But probably more suited for someone like Samuel L. Jackson, not Kurt Russell. Are you not familiar with the product?
Unfortunately, I have a bottle of the grape variety in my pantry as we speak. I was aiming more for the name Mad Dog than the product represented.
Hilarious,,,I just expelled a gallon of tea-tinged water myself, and I don't even drink water! Crazy... Anyway, there's no substitue for proper anal hygiene, nor is there any higher expression of self-appreciation. Keep up the strong work!
Yours in Mad Dog,
Ruddy Bob
In a day or two, you'll probably crash, exhausted, and realize you've been climaxing this whole time.
Post a Comment
<< Home