Every Single Fold
Monday night, I'd just gotten paid - in cash money, and the Koreans don't have anything larger than a tenner - got some booze from the boss for Thanksgiving week, and was looking to meet up with some buddies in a close enough bar. There was some problems with the cabby. I should've told him "foreigner bar" (lit. "foreign nation booze house") but I just told him "bar," and the name of the area. "Here?" "Uhhh, alrighty!" So I got let off kinda far from my ultimate destination. A ninety minute walk later, and I finally run into some whities, who I assume can point me in the right direction.
These four Canadian gents tell me to walk about 1.5 km to the left, and I'll see the name of the bar - Gold Bar III - in big gold letters. I'd already been 1.5 km in that direction, so I assumed it wasn't directly on the main road, but I was pretty sure they were at least getting me warm. So I took off. Then, two minutes later, the female who was with them chases after me, panting: "Oh my god. I am SOOOO sorry. I'm as new to Seoul as you are, and so I didn't know. My, uh, friends thought it would be funny to give you wrong directions. It's not all the way on the left, it's about 3-5 minutes on the right. They laughed about it when you left, so I decided to let you know." "So they heard my accent and thought it would be fun to lead me astray, then?" "Yeah, I'm sorry. I only date American military men here, and they all treat me wonderfully." I appreciated her honesty/generosity, but wanted her to tell them off for me. So I was hunting for something vivid: "Tell your friends that they can lick every single fold of my scrotum. And when they're done, they can circle my balloon knot a few times. And if I have pinworms, they can catch them. Can you remember all that?" I've had a few bumps in the road in Korea, some blips and bleeps, but I still haven't been as steamed as that moment.
In other news, there seems to be some shit going down in this part of the world. The locals shrug it off, so I'm not too worried about it either: "The nuclear test was conducted with indigenous wisdom and technology 100 percent. It marks a historic event as it greatly encouraged and pleased the KPA (Korean People's Army) and people that have wished to have powerful self-reliant defense capability." It's a little hard to be afraid of a country whose PR man writes with so many fortune-cookie aphorisms, innit?
These four Canadian gents tell me to walk about 1.5 km to the left, and I'll see the name of the bar - Gold Bar III - in big gold letters. I'd already been 1.5 km in that direction, so I assumed it wasn't directly on the main road, but I was pretty sure they were at least getting me warm. So I took off. Then, two minutes later, the female who was with them chases after me, panting: "Oh my god. I am SOOOO sorry. I'm as new to Seoul as you are, and so I didn't know. My, uh, friends thought it would be funny to give you wrong directions. It's not all the way on the left, it's about 3-5 minutes on the right. They laughed about it when you left, so I decided to let you know." "So they heard my accent and thought it would be fun to lead me astray, then?" "Yeah, I'm sorry. I only date American military men here, and they all treat me wonderfully." I appreciated her honesty/generosity, but wanted her to tell them off for me. So I was hunting for something vivid: "Tell your friends that they can lick every single fold of my scrotum. And when they're done, they can circle my balloon knot a few times. And if I have pinworms, they can catch them. Can you remember all that?" I've had a few bumps in the road in Korea, some blips and bleeps, but I still haven't been as steamed as that moment.
In other news, there seems to be some shit going down in this part of the world. The locals shrug it off, so I'm not too worried about it either: "The nuclear test was conducted with indigenous wisdom and technology 100 percent. It marks a historic event as it greatly encouraged and pleased the KPA (Korean People's Army) and people that have wished to have powerful self-reliant defense capability." It's a little hard to be afraid of a country whose PR man writes with so many fortune-cookie aphorisms, innit?
posted by Mark Hernandef at 11:36 PM
2 Comments:
I've been chuckling about "balloon knot" all day!
Dude, you always had soul, but now you've got Seoul.
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