Lead Poisoning

I have this kid who’s a bit of a little shit. Sixth graders tend to be a little spastic, but this kid displays the main symptoms of ADHD to the nth degree, in particular impulsivity. A week after I conferenced with his parents, he got mad at me and decided to empty the pencil sharpener into my can of Diet Coke in between classes. Luckily, this one kid warned me: "Teacher, um, do not drink your cola." Incidentally, and I’m 80% sure it was without bias, the squealer (one of my favs) went on to win the science fair for our class.

It was hours before I knew that this was responsible - I made the kids very late to lunch until they started naming name(s). My partner teacher found out about this episode and made him write a letter to his mother about it. A week later, she gifted me a shirt and an apology letter:

Dear [Mark],

Thank you for your concern on [my son]. [He] promised me not to do playful things any more and he felt sorry about you. I hope you will enjoy trip to Japan. I bought a T-shirt for you. If it doesn’t fit or you don’t like colors, you can exchange it at the nearest department store. Do not throw away certificate attached to T-shirt. Have a nice trip.

Indeed, I exchanged the shirt - a knitted blue and white striped number that I’d be embarrassed to regift to my grandfather. I knew full well there’d be language issues involved, but bolted to the nearest department store immediately after work today, anxious to have another passable short-sleeved shirt for next week’s field trip to Japan. The poor woman working the store, catering to all your golfing attire needs, didn’t know what to do with me. She kept repeating the same sentence - something about "exchanging" and "sizes" - altering sentence speed, intonation, and staring at me like a dog who’d just pissed on her rug, dumbfounded that I couldn’t understand. She phoned someone in who spoke pretty decent English, and then we got to the point. No, I couldn’t just take the cash: "You must exchange for same same, but different style maybe." Then she revealed the amount of cash involved. With the current exchange rate, this ugly knit shirt can be purchased for $150 ailing dollars.

I exchanged it for a slightly less ugly one that is now the most expensive thing in my wardrobe. I agonized over the exchange, eyeing every fashion option in the store: salmon checked with lilac, a myriad of greens swirled with yellows, ad nauseum. There was a nice sportscoat for $350, but even with a $150 head start I couldn’t justify that purchase. I felt like an absolute ass walking out of the store, bag in hand, with a doozie of a golf shirt - in a country where golf courses are virtually non-existent.

And the wind blows.