oy, yo
Hello everybody. It's Sunday night, I've been in a Korea for a week, and my hours are still pretty fucked up. Seoul's a pretty fun city. My job is manageable, but a touch overwhelming at first. So, I arrived in this country on Sunday night, and Monday I had to teach 9 classes. I got through it, but holy shit. Jetlag + no training + roomfuls (roomsful?) of screaming kids make DrAwkward* grumpy for a few days. My MWF hours are a touch brutal, but TTh isn't so bad. It was a fairly difficult week, but (in theory) it will never be this rough again. I feel a little unlucky with the hours, but this is a reputable hagwon (in short, a private school) and I have some really cool coworkers. Also, most of the kids are really sweet and genuinely interested in learning. There's just a lot about kids I don't know, and having to figure it out on the fly isn't the greatest. But, should I ever decide to reproduce, teaching kindergarten for a year is probably a good idea. Sometimes the school feels like whitey indoctrination camp, but that's a story for another day.
And, after a pretty spectacular weekend, I'm sure to have that fucking Loverboy song stuck in my head tomorrow morning when I'm dealing with snotrags and papercuts (seriously, I witnessed 6 in the last week; either the paper is more lethal here or paper confuses children; I'm not sure which).
So, here are a few jumbled anecdotes.
Seoul is a 24 hour city. Bars here don't close until 6. So, obviously I took advantage of that as soon as I could. It's a lot easier to strike up a conversation with strangers overseas than it is back home. Single middle aged whities here are pretty fucking creepy. Last night, this one older gentlemen (seriously, he looked like the pervert [in Korean "pervert" is "piante"; Western women seem to learn that one quickly] who claimed to kill JonBenet) chatted my ear off. The first thing he told me is that "the rest of Asia is so much cooler than Korea." "Alright, buddy, then why the fuck are you here?" Then he proceeded to tell me all about his "fucking stupid" 19 year old Korean girlfriend who he completely disrespects. His story kept shifting, so she was either a fabrication or an embellishment. When the sketchy but cool bar closed (the sun had been up for an hour), I went with a Brit and an Irish lesbian to a noraebang (karaoke-y thing). This dude from St. Louis asked to watch me pee. "Dude, I hear it sucks being queer here. If you'd get off on watching me pee, then go ahead. I mean I guess." Then he felt me up, and "dude, I'm straight. This is doing nothing for me" didn't get the message across. Guys are so fucking persistent. Sometimes my fear of appearing homophobic puts me in really awkward situations. But a few hours earlier I'd used a urinal in a coed bathroom. When in a country not founded by Puritans... So far the biggest piante in this country have been Western men. And, that's really my last memory for awhile. I'd only had 4-6 beers all night/morning (the previous night was a bit rough), so I reckon that somebody put something in my drink (I hear that rarely ever happens here, but that's really the most rational explanation for my next memory, esp. since I wasn't drinking that heavily).
So, yadda yadda yadda. And next thing I know I was walking down the street sans shoes (your guess is as good as mine, but you know how 'em Orientals are, with all the taking off of the shoes in situations where I normally wouldn't). Judging by the holes in my socks - about the size of my fist, but then again I have fetus hands - and the pain of my feet, I must have been walking for a couple hours. I don't yet know too many landmarks, and my Korean isn't remotely good yet. I can ask where something is, but I've yet to understand an answer. A much revered Korean folklorist told me never to take taxis here, but I eventually woke up enough to stop heeding that advice. At any rate, it's week one and I'm already the biggest hillbilly in town.
A coworker (and neighbor) showed me the most effective hiccup remedy today. Crouch down like a dog, and sip water upside down.
A couple Brits invited me for dog next weekend. I don't even eat meat, but I'm trying to psych myself up for a bite. This may upset a few of you, but it's really not that much different than chicken to me. Or really any worse than the cheese I had on my pizza today. But, yeah. I'm not yet sure that I'll be able to.
Very generously, a coworker brought me back to the noraebang to help me look for my shoes [and my salmon jacket :( ]. They all looked the same to me (the noraebang), so we went into about six different places. I'm going to kick all your asses at charades when I get back home.
Anyway, I hope to do something other than boozing next weekend, but it's really the fastest way to get to know people who aren't coworkers (not that my coworkers aren't really cool; I'm really lucky in that regard).
*For a variety of reasons, I'm keeping this blog anonymous. So, pals, please don't refer to me by my given name. In short, this will allow me to be more candid than I would otherwise be.
And, after a pretty spectacular weekend, I'm sure to have that fucking Loverboy song stuck in my head tomorrow morning when I'm dealing with snotrags and papercuts (seriously, I witnessed 6 in the last week; either the paper is more lethal here or paper confuses children; I'm not sure which).
So, here are a few jumbled anecdotes.
Seoul is a 24 hour city. Bars here don't close until 6. So, obviously I took advantage of that as soon as I could. It's a lot easier to strike up a conversation with strangers overseas than it is back home. Single middle aged whities here are pretty fucking creepy. Last night, this one older gentlemen (seriously, he looked like the pervert [in Korean "pervert" is "piante"; Western women seem to learn that one quickly] who claimed to kill JonBenet) chatted my ear off. The first thing he told me is that "the rest of Asia is so much cooler than Korea." "Alright, buddy, then why the fuck are you here?" Then he proceeded to tell me all about his "fucking stupid" 19 year old Korean girlfriend who he completely disrespects. His story kept shifting, so she was either a fabrication or an embellishment. When the sketchy but cool bar closed (the sun had been up for an hour), I went with a Brit and an Irish lesbian to a noraebang (karaoke-y thing). This dude from St. Louis asked to watch me pee. "Dude, I hear it sucks being queer here. If you'd get off on watching me pee, then go ahead. I mean I guess." Then he felt me up, and "dude, I'm straight. This is doing nothing for me" didn't get the message across. Guys are so fucking persistent. Sometimes my fear of appearing homophobic puts me in really awkward situations. But a few hours earlier I'd used a urinal in a coed bathroom. When in a country not founded by Puritans... So far the biggest piante in this country have been Western men. And, that's really my last memory for awhile. I'd only had 4-6 beers all night/morning (the previous night was a bit rough), so I reckon that somebody put something in my drink (I hear that rarely ever happens here, but that's really the most rational explanation for my next memory, esp. since I wasn't drinking that heavily).
So, yadda yadda yadda. And next thing I know I was walking down the street sans shoes (your guess is as good as mine, but you know how 'em Orientals are, with all the taking off of the shoes in situations where I normally wouldn't). Judging by the holes in my socks - about the size of my fist, but then again I have fetus hands - and the pain of my feet, I must have been walking for a couple hours. I don't yet know too many landmarks, and my Korean isn't remotely good yet. I can ask where something is, but I've yet to understand an answer. A much revered Korean folklorist told me never to take taxis here, but I eventually woke up enough to stop heeding that advice. At any rate, it's week one and I'm already the biggest hillbilly in town.
A coworker (and neighbor) showed me the most effective hiccup remedy today. Crouch down like a dog, and sip water upside down.
A couple Brits invited me for dog next weekend. I don't even eat meat, but I'm trying to psych myself up for a bite. This may upset a few of you, but it's really not that much different than chicken to me. Or really any worse than the cheese I had on my pizza today. But, yeah. I'm not yet sure that I'll be able to.
Very generously, a coworker brought me back to the noraebang to help me look for my shoes [and my salmon jacket :( ]. They all looked the same to me (the noraebang), so we went into about six different places. I'm going to kick all your asses at charades when I get back home.
Anyway, I hope to do something other than boozing next weekend, but it's really the fastest way to get to know people who aren't coworkers (not that my coworkers aren't really cool; I'm really lucky in that regard).
*For a variety of reasons, I'm keeping this blog anonymous. So, pals, please don't refer to me by my given name. In short, this will allow me to be more candid than I would otherwise be.
posted by Mark Hernandef at 2:06 AM
11 Comments:
Dude, I can't believe how in five minutes this has already become my favorite blog ever. Keep it up!
That's quite a compliment, coming from somebody who's quite a badass writer. It's sure to put some people off. Two months ago my blog would have been a touch duller: "I made a poo while listening to Meatloaf. Saw corn. I hate Family Circus."
In Japan, pervert is "hentai." I too learned that one early. "Hentai, Hentai!" my Japanese girlfriends squealed when I explained how, at the beach, a homeless man exposed himself to me and began jerking off. It was just the two of us--an intimate moment between foreigner and hentai. Looks like you had yours way earlier than I, though. Cheers!
Oh good, you're alive. And apparently shoeless.
And did you find your shoes and/or jacket?
Now this experience can be really awesome for your future novel, which I know you can write because of the great thesis you wrote. You'll always have the comforts of home here with the Pie family. You know, oatmeal pie, peanut butter pie, and all the kids. And boy have they grown!. They'll be goin' to college soon. And the best part is that we don't have to pay tuition fees. Disoreinted Jr. is already taller than me, and sis is taller than Pie Girl. Hang in there our prodigal son.
Dear God-Just say "No" to the dog for dinner. Please. Just imagine the nightmares.
classic, sir. classic.
western men are creepy.
doc awk, did you rip your blog name off from spider man 2?
sounds like you're having a blast, but be careful...
i'm wondering why we didn't get the story about the stinkiest five year old fart ever - you made promises, dude.
i'm going to echo anonymous' comment - please don't eat the dog, please. nico is dying a little inside right now just thinking about it :(
I know. Chicken makes me sad enough. I'd probably throw up and/or cry immediately. Probably not the right thing to do on a tabletop in front of people I don't know yet. I haven't encountered the eggiest fart ever again. I'll certainly let you know when I do.
You rock! Teaching in Korea was something I looked into several years ago. I used to sub and kindergarten was the worst. They're sooooo needy! I look forward to following your adventures!!!
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